Ol’ Glory™ – America’s Best Energy Drink

Coming across a can with such unbridled patriotism in the store pretty much demands a purchase, so that’s just what I did. Ol’ Glory sat in my fridge for the last several days because I just didn’t feel I needed a good All-American caffeine kick-in-the-ass until today. Today, my friend, I touched my lips to Ol’ Glory. Oh say, I can see.

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I started my adventure by opening up my refrigerator to find that all of the other products had oddly moved away from Ol’ Glory, as if they all knew they were inferior beverages. If you want to call Tabasco sauce a beverage (I do!). I like how the Fiesta Blend shredded cheese looks like it’s in a cage. You gotta keep that shit locked up, you never know when a cheesy fiesta might break out with that stuff on the loose.

It seemed oddly appropriate that I should salute the can before I went about my tasting. So I did. The only part of this picture that you can’t see that should be noted is that there is a solitary tear of raw patriotism rolling down my cheek. I’m also not wearing anything but a shirt. Ignore the Cheerios, they aren’t tha--- FIVE BOX TOPS?! Are you KIDDING ME?! That’s fucking AWESOME!

Serve Chilled! Just like a tall glass of ‘Murican Whoop-Ass! Hoo-Rah!

Figure she’d look good with some genuine American trees and golf greens as a backdrop. I almost had to salute again.
I finally decide to get to it. I feel a little intimidated, but I do feel secure in knowing that it’s “America’s Best Energy Drink” and that I’m supporting our troops by consuming it.

I’ll tell you what, as soon as the can cracked open, I knew I was in for a trip. It smelled like the good ol’ US of A. I half expected to tip the can and have purple hearts and mini American flags come pouring out onto my face. God damn this is what the founding fathers dreamt of.

I look inquisitive because I’m tasting a nation. The best god damned nation on the planet. Second to Canada. HA HA just kidding. The only reason why we haven’t invaded Canada for the hell of it is because it looks so good as America’s hat. Also note that this shit is Keeping Americans Strong. It says so right on the can (see above pic). Who's Red Bull keeping strong? Turrists, that’s fucking who.

After enjoying a little bit of this fine beverage, I began reading the back of the can. “Not Recommended for children, etc etc.” I’ll tell you who this isn’t recommended for: Turrists, Illegal Immigrants, the French, and motherfucking Liberals. That’s who this isn’t recommended for.
The ingredients mostly seemed usual, Taurine, Guarana, Ginseng, etc… but a few I don’t see very often, such as Inositol, showed up. I was going to look it up to figure out what it is, but before I got to my computer I realized what it really was… Inositol is obviously short for Broad Stripes and Bright Stars. Motherfucker.
It all became too much. I did the only thing left to do…

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Wear my American Flag boxers (which conveniently solved my problem from before. It was getting kinda chilly).
(I’m standing proudly, staring at my Band of Brothers, Platoon, and Saving Private Ryan posters. Oh, and my dartboard with a picture of Osama Bin Laden is over there, too.)

I’ll leave you with this, written on the side of the can, so that I can nevar forget…

God Bless Ol’ Glory. And God Bless America.
- cant stop r0bVious

If you like the synopsis and want more:
http://www.olglory.com/